The Waiting Room

"Good luck to you, soldier."
"Good luck to you, stylist."

My stomach is in knots
My heart is hurting
my arms and legs are shaking
Jog it off
Go outside
feel the breeze
count the steps
The clouds come over
and it begins to rain
fresh makeup
streams down my face
I'd have to jog for miles
to not worry about what's going on
but he says, "it is what it is"
cause we'll never know how long
Yo ne se manana
It isn't real

I met him on October 3rd when I went to San Antonio for ONE night for my graduation
This night is when God brought him into my life
What an amazing man....
Tayna and I were at the club and two guys came up to us to ask if we had a cigarette
I'm not used to men asking women for anything so I said, "do you normally ask women for things?"
We laughed it off. 
Tayna kept talking to the two but I wasn't interested in either one
I sat back down on a red lounge chair while they got to  know eachother
And I saw this man from across the club
walking in and making his way through the crowd
He had darker skin, and a white short sleeved shirt that fit him perfectly
and a confidence that just caught my attention
I leaned intoTayna and told her, "look at that guy over there in the white shirt"
Pointed to him
She said we'd go over there and she'd talk to his friend.

We've talked everyday and every night since then.
He came to austin this past weekend for me.
Stayed Saturday night, went to church with me on Sunday
He stayed in the highest room in the hotel, the 12th floor
I walked trying to find him and got closer and closer, I thought, "this is it"
He opened the door and he's even more handsome than I had remembered.
So clean, so smooth, so fresh, just flawless.
I look at his picture everyday trying to get as close to being with him as I can
But a picture can only do so much for you
He lives in San Antonio, has another life behind him
so I need to take this slow for our sake
Step back for a minute and take a look at what we're doing
He has no idea why I'd want to be with someone like him
It's simple, I adore you
If you think San Antonio is a challenge, here it comes...
He's being deployed on November 7th, and will be in Afgahnistan for six months
You can either give up entirely
Or have faith, pray, and pick up where we left off when the time is right
Who's to say in seven months how we will feel or what we'll want
But giving up is not an option for me.
How?  In such little time can your life turn upside down?
Not in a bad way, but just completely changes your perspective.
He gave me a gift as well as graham too
Everything represented the Air Force
Clothes, two teddy bears with Air Force uniforms on
And a really inspiring book for Makeup Artists
I don't deserve any of it
I asked him why last night, why he went through the trouble
He said so I wouldn't forget
"it's all Air Force, It's..., that's me babe"
Baby I would never forget you or anything about you

We talked last night for three and a half hours.
I love how sometimes we don't even need to say anything
Just knowing that we're both on the line

When we were driving around this past Saturday
he called OnStar for directions
He got the represenative "Ann"
After he got what he needed he said,
"Ann, I want you to tell Mindy something, she's sitting right next to me"
she laughed and said, "Okay, Hi Mindy!"
I said, "hello Ann"
Julio said, "I want you to tell her I'm going to miss her"
"Aw, why are you going to miss her"
He said, "Cause I have to go away for a while"
"Well Mindy, Julio is going to miss you so much"
I thanked her, and I'll never forget that time

In a song the guy sings
the day that I'll dissapear I think I'll finally get it right

I swear I should have written that song  because that's exactly how it is with me.

This fantasy life that I dream of having someday... I don't think will ever come

What makes me think it'll ever make sense, or be easy, or finally just work out?

What makes me think a man will look at me and want to spend the rest of his life with me?  If I were him I'd be out of my mind to have to put up with me. 

I guess... ever since I was about 11 I had dreamed of finally meeting someone and having a strong love, one of those, "I'd do anything for her" type of loves.  And so far, I've got nothing.  Not even close.  I really thought that by now SOMETHING would have gotten easier.  i mean in a way, yeah.  but something negative always fills the hole.   You would think since I graduated maybe everyone would be proud, they say they are.  but I guess I was hoping for a more excited, "you did it!!!"  Like a celebration - like a relief.  Why do I feel like I don't belong in this family?  At the dinner table I didn't have anything to say.  No one did a toast,  no one hugged me.  I hate that I never had a good relationship  with my dad who probably only has about 10 years to live, maybe less.  I know I'll never be able to forgive myself for not trying harder to talk to him or laugh at his jokes.  For that I'll always be my worst enemy.  The tears are just flowing....  I can't even see the letters on the keyboard.  When the devil has a grip on me... he holds on way too tight.

My mom knows how incredibly low I've been this week and suprised me with an inspiring card along with a necklace that says "Survivor."  The holder it came on says, "Accepting, challenging, fighting, accomplishing, surviving."  That's what I do, and that's who I am. 

I'm sitting here with these ugly cuts on my arm and ankle and I'm just thinking, when the hell am I ever going to stop this?  And when I say that, I mean, this depression, this mind-set, the waking up and not wanting the day to begin, all of it.  I mean - that's not all.  I really do enjoy the day and speding time with certain people and doing certain things, but when this darkness comes, it's just so hard to make go away.  I'm working on it though. 

So my dad and I are home and he starts talking about the carpet and says, "Yeah I think it's made out of old coke bottles so it won't stain easily."  Pause.... Haha, I just said "yeah maybe"

Then last night Fernando was trying to tell me how old a country singer was and he said, "I think he's in his late fourty-fives"  Hahaha!!  Oh my goodness.  He asked me if I'd like to come over so we could have dinner and watch a movie.  I've never had anyone cook for me before... this guy is amazing.  I told him I'd let him chose the movie and suprise me with the meal so I'm so excited about that. Come on Saturday :)

Mystery Meat

Not that it's bad, but definitely for the best.  No boo hooing here but like I said it sucks to have to sacrifice things... actually... good people in your life. 

You said you think that message was like "the best thing that ever happened to you."  And I'm thinking, "are you fucking nuts?"  lol.  This girl... will never be true to you, never respect you, never appreciate you.  And you want to give it "one more try." ????  Yikes.  I'm definitely hopping off of this crazy mobile!!!  Hahaha!  I just made myself laugh!  But in all seriousness, that's all it is.  It's like... whoever is involved, like even their friends are effected by their drama, we all have to listen to it and it's so negative and irritating after awhile.  Like, "oh they're just breaking up again."  lol  So why the hell do I try to help people out if they won't see the truth?  I tried.  But as long as I helped him get through some hard times, it was worth it.  Oh well... in time maybe he'll get it.  But I kindof doubt that. 

************************************************************************

In better news :)
This guy is super sweet.... I can't wait to meet with him soon.  Can we say, gorgeous???  I'm not going to be able to concentrate!!


***********************************************************************

School stuff
Tomorrow is the last day for salon tours.  I'm absolutely loving all of this.  And this girl from south, eeek!  What a beautiful smile.  I told my girls I'd talk to her cause if I didn't I'd beat myself up later on.  One more day!!  It's a good reason to get up early :)

 

Today the girls and I went on salon tours and we had a blast!!!  La Tashia, Tashanique, Danielle, Edis, Mandy B, and myself in our car.  We had a great time in the car but then afterwards we went and had a couple margaritas and I absolutely MISS having girl time like that will other REAL women.  We laughed so hard and talked all kinds of girl talk, and got some cute pictures too!  lol, so here I am "buzz writing" and I could probably go on forever but I won't torture you, lol.  Talk to you later!
xoxo

to be unappreciated.  I'm just looking at your pictures babe and I can't belive you still have that dark cloud over your head.  You're too good for that.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I had a photoshoot this weekend, it was AMAZING!  We met up downtown and the MUA ended up not even showing.  *sings* BONUS!!  Ofcourse this was the ONE DAY that I didn't have my makeup kit in my car :(  WWHHHHAAAAT!!!  lol, I know.  So we had to improvise and I used the little makeup that the girls had there and we made it work.  The shoot is called "Maneaters"  haha, I had no idea until I got there and the photographers boyfriend asked in the middle of the woods, "should I take off my pants or no?"  Haha.  I didn't know he was going to be the subject wearing a wolf mask, lol.  She said, "Yeah go ahead and take them off."  haha so all of us girls were trying to look somewhere else and I said, "oh is that a squirell nest up there or a birds?"  lol.  Anyways, we had a great time.  I'll had the pictures on my site soon.  www.myspace.com/mindalinahairandmakeup. 

Salon tours tomorrow!  Woo hoo!  Lets look hot ladies!
xoxo

Coke and white cheddar cheez its have to be one of my favorite combinations :)

So I talked to LaTashia today about the photoshoot and I came up with some awesome ideas.  I can see it all in my head too.  I can't wait!  We're talking, a trapeeze, swing, or a harness.  Another idea is straps tied to her arms, her waist and maybe her legs.  And being pulled in all different direction but have them go out of frame.  A red outfit, a loud statement.  I love this stuff!I have a shoot coming up this saturday and I think it'll be really cool, but honestly I'm a little nervous about this girls super long hair, oh well, plenty of hair spray!  Haha. 

Last night before I laid down I played "enigma"  one of my most favorite artists.  Their music is sexy, slow, sensual, perfect.  And I danced in my room like I would for him... if we had met again in the future.  I hope....
Google Enigma- I love you, I'll kill you.

The rain has finally come, it felt so good on my hands driving home from school today